40 Reasons Why: Reason #2 - We're a long way from the street

40 Reasons Why: Reason #2 - We're a long way from the street

A little over a year ago, on Monday August 31st, 2009 in fact, I was laid off from my job with the UC Office of the President.  Let's see...how am I supposed to phrase that?  Oh, yeah: "Due to budget constraints the decision was made to temporarily cease operations at the Center while other, more cost effective ways to offer the program in these difficult economic times were developed." 

The following morning, for literally the very first time since 1975 when I started nursery school at Mrs. Degenaro's -- NOTE: I'm sure that wasn't the name of the place, but that's what we called it.  And I have no idea if I spelled her name correctly, 'cuz I couldn't read back then, either -- nobody was expecting me to be anywhere on that day or any day in the future.  Up until that morning, I hadn't quite realized how much of my self worth was tied up into stuff like having a job, having professional responsibilities, just plain old having a profession, bringing home the bacon every day, and feeling like I had a place where I belonged where I and my work were valued.  Nobody actually cut off my nuts, but it sure felt emasculating.  If you don't belive me, try it sometime.  I promise, you won't like it.

Of all the many wonderful things my very wonderful wife said to me during that time, the phrase that stuck out most was: "We are a long way from the street, Joaquin"  Even though it felt like we were on the brink of financial disaster, we were lucky enough to have a ton of resources to fall back on if I wasn't able to find work right away: a generous severance package, including health benefits, from UCOP; some rainy day savings; a massive network of friends and professional contacts; two moms more than willing to help out; likewise siblings and extended family; and let's not forget our youth, our health, and our enterprising spirits. 

Through the whole process of job searching and interviewing, "We're a long way from the street" became my mantra.  Maybe not as fun as: "Sit back, relax, have a homebrew," but a lot easier on the waist line.  Yeah, there were plenty of times when the mantra didn't help me get to sleep at night, but it sure did help to beat back the demons during my waking life.

Luckily, I found work very quickly.  But even though we were never in danger of losing our house, our standard of living, or any other comforts we've gotten for ourselves, the experience and emotions of having been laid off, cast adrift on the pink slip sea, if you will, has stayed very close to the surface for me and continues to affect my every day life.  Like getting engaged, the death of my father, 9/11, and the passage of Prop 8, it's become a defining moment in my life.

And that mantra, "we're a long way from the street," is something I think about almost every day, too.  Except now it also makes me realize how many other people are NOT a long way from the street as a result of having been unemployed or having public services yanked out from under them due to budgetary cuts.  One of my friends on the cycling team who works on the state budget said it best back in 2008: "Joaquin, people are going to start DYING as a result of this budget we're putting together." 

People are not only on the street because of this economic downturn, they're out on the streets dying there.  The tragedy is that with just a little extra funding, and maybe a shift in priorities here or there, they'd be off the street, getting better, earning a living.  So this $40G thing, it's partly a reminder to me of how excruciatingly lucky I am to have such a great support system that helps keep the street further away from me than for most.  And it's also an attempt to acknowledge that, while I view myself as a pretty capable guy, a lot of it is just plain old stupid, unfair luck and circumstance that puts me here and others out on the street.  Raising $40G is my attempt to provide at  least some relief where Lady Luck and The Man have fallen short.

Making use of suffering

Funds raised as of Wed, 6/30: $1210 or 3.025%
Left to raise: $38790 or $862/wk

What a rollercoaster of a week! In the middle of  Friday night I kept myself awake for an hour or so feeling like a total idiot for wanting to raise $40G and telling everyone about it and then yesterday my fundraising total literally doubled over lunchtime.  And then I had an email waiting for me from the gang at Cedaron Medical Inc. saying they would match the first $1000 of donations in October AND an email from one of my friends volunteered to start investigating grants I could apply for.

   Last summer when I was training for and racing in my A races for the season and dealing with being laid off (two weeks early, thanks very much!) from my job, I came across this quote from Swiss philosopher and poet Henri-Frederic Amiel: "You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: Make use of suffering."  [Disclaimer: Beyond what's written about him in the wikiverse, I don't know anything about this guy.  So please forgive me if he happens to be an A1 nutcase who espoused all sorts of hateful junk, in addition to writing something that resonated with me at the time.  I promise to go down to my public library to learn more about him in the next few days.]  At the time it was very comforting to try to turn my frowns upside down and take advantage of the learning and growth opportunities I had in front of me because of all the new sorts of suffering I was going through.  That, and knowing that, in the very grand scheme of things, the suffering I was feeling could have been a lot worse:  Ann and I were a long way from the street even when I was without a job and, after all, I still had the time, health and $$$ to spend gobs of time racing on a couple thousand dollars of rubber, welded steel, and sex appeal.

   So fast forward to June and getting started on this $40,000 fundraising adventure.  If the past week is any indication of what the next 10 months will be like, I'm in store for a whole lot more opportunities to suffer even before I hop onto the new tandem (pictures coming soon, I promise!).  From the sleep-depriving worry of whether or not it's even possible; the wondering for the millionth time, 'why don't they F-ing donate already? Can't they see I'm suffering here?!?!'; the stress of staying organized and on top of the entire campaign while also balancing the other important parts of my life like, oh yeah, my wife, my friends, and my job to the frabjous joy of friends coming through with unexpectedly big donations and offers of assistance, these intense mood swings are tough to handle for someone like me who's still working on identifying and expressing strong emotions.  Even after just one cycle of this up-and-down-and-up I'm feeling like I might like to pull over and have a little barf.  But I guess the good thing is that I'll go through lots more these emotional suffering cycles before I'm done with this project and with each one maybe I'll get a little better at handling it.

Making use of suffering at the top of Cardiac Hill

or

What the end of an LT set looks like